Have you ever been in that place?
I am there right now.
And I am sure you would agree that it’s not someplace anyone would want to be.
The confusion, the pain and the horrible guilt of putting that someone else too through the uncertainty is killing.
And you can’t seem to win the battle of reasons why you cannot be with them and why you want to.
How do you then decide? How do you find a perspective?
Especially if it was someone you had hitched with for life.
Tomorrow is an important day.
And yet, i am not sure what it holds for me. And i am apprehensive of this uncertainty.
Why, i am apprehensive of life itself.
Life that seems to be going nowhere. Lifeless and passionless. Complicated. Confusing. Unclear. Aimless.
Actually, there are goals if i wish to set them. But i am too weary to want to do that. Feels like everything you ever envisioned, all your dreams and desires, have just crumbled all around you and you are unable to even pick up the pieces.
Am i giving up on life?
No, i cannot be. Because for 30 years, life has been a struggle of one kind or other. I haven’t been a quitter. But now i am exhausted.
And tomorrow seems like a heavy burden, mired in a cesspool of broken dreams and ugly experiences.
But i have Jesus. Then why am i not at peace?
Ah, simply because Jesus doesn’t have me. And what is keeping me from reaching out to Him? My own inadequacies? My inequities? My passionlessness?
While i search for a victory, which, if i did get, would be a pyrrhic victory.
What would you do if you were in my place? I am sure many of you may have been in places worse than this. What did you do? How did you resolve the dilemma?