Best Friends

Yesterday I was having a conversation with one office colleague about friendships. And she said she had been ‘friends’ with her friends for a very very long time. With some she’s had close friendship since their childhhod.

And I told her, what I always noticed about my life, that I’ve had friends for every season. In my every need, I’ve had people appearing when least expected, becoming very good friends. Supporting, rescuing, loving through thick and thin.

I have given my 100% to the friendships and received their 100% in return. And yet, I have seen that we’ve eventually become distant.

No, not that things soured and we aren’t friends anymore. But just that the closeness evaporates. The hold is lost. It is never a deliberate falling apart but just a natural drifting away.

I have always wondered if this was normal. Or if I was just a people repeller??

I have never been sans a friend. But I haven’t had a consistent friend or a few close knit friends.

This I am saying about my women friends. In India, it is still common to be best friends with the same sex persons only. Although it isn’t uncommon to be friends with the opposite sex. But I believe that its not the same.

I personally think that a platonic, intimate relationship between a man and woman is eventually complicated by love and physical attraction.

I mean you cannot be great friends with someone with whom you don’t connect at a mental level. And if you connect there and spend much time together as friends do, you are bound to develop feelings… etc etc..

Well, I digress..

So I was saying, I don’t have friends who, for decades, have stayed as close as we started out. While the old friends still continued to be friends, I developed newer friendships and equations changed.

Has that happened to any one of you?

And then I received the following forward from a friend.

So this is to all my friends, whether you’ve been a friend for 20 minutes or 2o years:

 

Best Friends

When I was little,
I used to believe in the concept of one best friend,
And then I started to become a woman.
And then I found out that if you allow your heart to open up,
God would show you the best in many friends.
 
 
 
Best Friends, friendhsip
One friend is needed when you’re going through things with your man.
Another friend is needed when you’re going through things with your mom.
Another will sit beside you in the bleachers as you delight in your children and their activities.
Another when you want to shop, share, heal, hurt, joke, or just be.
One friend will say, ‘Let’s cry together,’
Another , ‘Let’s fight together,’
Another , ‘Let’s walk away together.’

Best Friends, Friendships

One friend will meet your spiritual need,
Another your shoe fetish,
Another your love for movies,
Another will be with you in your season of confusion,
Another will be your clarifier,
Another the wind beneath your wings.

Best Friends, Friendships, Girl friends

 

But whatever their assignment in your life,
On whatever the occasion,
On whatever the day,
Or wherever you need them to meet you with their gym shoes on and hair pulled back,
Or to hold you back from making a complete fool of yourself ..
Those are your best friends.

 

 
Best girl friends, Friendships

It may all be wrapped up in one woman, But for many, it’s wrapped up in several…
One from 7th grade,
One from high school,
Several from the college years,
A couple from old jobs,
On some days your mother,
On some days your neighbor,
On others, your sisters,
And on some days, your daughters.

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I have a question

Each time something related to my son reminds me of my husband or my son points out to his daddy in a photograph, I clam up not knowing how to deal with the scene.

I would like to request your thoughts on the subject. Here are some details:

Ever since I applied for a divorce, my husband has completely disappeared from our lives. Except the occasional meet in the court, we have never heard from him. He doesn’t call to check even on his son. I am waiting for the divorce to come through so we all can move on with our lives. But he refuses to sign the papers.

On the advice of the court counselor, for a month in September 2012, he made some efforts to show that he has changed and that he wants me and his son in his life. But a week before the court date in November 2012, he disappeared again and haven’t made any contact at all.

However, though barely 2 ½ years old, my son has memories of that month with him. He can identify his father from a photo in which he is visible only from waist down.

Although I know we are advised against divorces AND Jesus would rather that we sacrifice than separate from our spouses, I am unable to return to my husband for the emotional and physical emptiness in the marriage is too devastating. And the general atmosphere in that house is depressing. I absolutely refuse to raise my son in such a place where he would grow up as emotionally messed up as his father.

It’s not that I have someone else in my life or that I want to marry again. On the contrary. All I want is a good and peaceful life for my son. The divorce is just because I need closure. And I need money.

I have invested a huge sum of money in a house we bought together, which has put me in a financial spot. But the house is now lying vacant (I think) and he’s got his name on it. And he is not showing any signs of returning just my share of money that I have invested in it. I therefore, had to resort to legal action.

I digress.

So my question to you all is – I have no negativity towards my husband. But the wounds are still too fresh. I also have NEVER stopped him from seeing his son or being part of his life. I sometimes feel terrible for my son that he is missing out on his father. But the man himself doesn’t seem interested. However, I do not want to instill any negativity into my son’s mind about his father. So how do you suggest I talk to my son about him? I mostly never talk about the man at all thereby avoiding the uncomfortable task of ‘handling’ the matter. But how long?

I want my words and actions to be an example to my son. I want to break the chain of insecurity, jealousy, emotional apathy and complete disregard for others’ needs. I need wisdom to deal with my son so that he grows up to be a whole person.

I just am at a loss as to how. How do I safeguard my son from the evils of a divorce? How do I teach him by example the Christian way of living (when I have already broken one rule 😦  ).

As long as my son is too young to understand much, I am ok. But soon the questions will come. Then what? How I deal with everything will set the stage for how he perceives relationships, emotions and goodness. I would be grateful for any suggestions on this.

Response to Unfulfilled

Wanting, Longing

My first tryst with poetry invited quite some responses from my friends. One response in particular was very interesting…. and unexpected.

I wish to quote it here not just for its morale boosting value for me, but because I felt that there was a message for those others who are in my place as well – struggling, longing, wanting, hoping:

As poetry goes it is beautiful.

I like the dark intensity of the sadness

as a person who knows the poet..a little bit…mereko to bahut gussa aata hai…

uff..my mind is filled with so many things to tell you…just to make you see YOU from someone else’ eyes…just to tell you to be able to understand that..life is not about being the attachment to one person and tying your life, your happiness, your destiny and your yearning to him ..in such a fashion that your life seems destinyless, and mindless….aisa nahi hai

look at it from my eyes na…

you are a person..who has the balls to be able to look life in the face and say..screw you..i can live…i can be all i have to be..and i don’t need anyone to be there

you have had so many problems when you were growing up..right? from what little i hear from you…you had to face so many troubles..you did well..you studied..you got yourself into a position that you are today..where lesser people would have finished their existence and given up..you started..and then you took off…and you are where you are..i don’t think i could do half of what you have achieved.

then you did a mistake..theek hai..ho jati hai..you trusted and loved a person who was not worthy of you..you still persevered..when everyone told you to give up…you showed tremendous courage to go through what you have gone.

you have your son…you have raised him up to be a beautiful human being..he will be a perfect man…and all that is because of you..

so all this sadness because of the apparent lack of purpose and direction..bah i say..absolute bah…

aap meri nazar se dekho kabhi kabhi..you will see what i see….a stunning person with a spine made of steel…and she looks hot too (dekho flirt karna to mera farz hai )

so my dear anne…while i appreciate and enjoy the poem for its literary value…as far as it goes beyond that…i wish you to not believe yourself so much and fall into this depressing spiral…

you know you speak as if married couples have some magical life that you have somehow missed …sab ke yahan same hai boss..each one of us has a huge cross to bear..and sabke yahan chal rahi hai zindagi, … khatti hai, ..thodi faltu hai..and kabhi thodi si sweet hai..but sweet moments are rare..ok? and i say this with 25 years of married and more that 7 years of unmarried experience

so chin up my dear..don’t read your poem too much…

The poem i dabbled was my state of mind for that day. Such days happen and will surely recur in the future. I know. You know. But, hey, like my friend said – dont read your poem too much – I try not to wallow in such state for too long.

Yes, we all are entitled to some self-pity. But too much of anything is destructive. Life has a lot of compartments. If one falls off, trudge up and salvage the rest of the train back on its track and speed on into the future.

Look at yourself from an outsider’s view and maybe, just maybe, you will see that you are not so worthless after all. That maybe your life does count to something. And maybe it will confirm your belief that God does not make junk.

Stay Blessed

Straight from the Horse’s Mouth

 

Some guy has really done his homework and has come up with this…..

“We’ve always heard that women have a lengthy list of rules for men to follow.  But introducing here is a list of rules us men or, as you ladies would say “the neanderthals” of CavemanCircus.com have come up with”, he says.

“These are our rules! Please note – These are all numbered “1” ON PURPOSE!  

 1. Men are NOT mind readers. Our lack of mind-reading ability is not proof of how little we care about you.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat.
You’re a big girl. If it’s up, put it down.
We need it up, you need it down.
You don’t hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports or news, It’s like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. A headache that last for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

1. Ask for what you want.
Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!

1. “Yes” and “No” are full sentences and perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That’s what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1.  Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 Days.

1. If you think you’re fat, you probably are. Don’t ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted in two ways and one of those ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

1. You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done.
NOT both.
If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials..

1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions, and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is. 

1. If it itches, it will be scratched.
We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say “nothing”, we will act like nothing’s wrong.
We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don’t want an answer to, expect an answer you don’t want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine… REALLY.

1. Don’t ask us what we’re thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as- Football or Cars.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!
P.S.:  Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know men really don’t mind that?  It’s like camping.

Well, I am not sure how many guys would agree with this and how many women will laugh at this… But this guy seemed to mean business… 🙂

Arranged Marriage

My brother’s marriage was arranged yesterday.

Our family including my brother went to the girl’s place. My brother spoke to the girl in person, alone for about half hour. The elders spoke about the whole thing for about 2-3 hours. The ‘would bes’ conveyed their respective okays. And bam! It has been decided the two shall marry.

Arranged Marriage

Not an unfamiliar situation in India.

My brother is a sincere, hard-working, loving and a very peaceful person. In the hum-drum of life and responsibilities, he did not have the time or inclination to fall in love. So we’ve been searching for a bride for him for years now. And this alliance finally clicked.

But I am not at peace!

My mother loves my brother dearly. But always had a complex of sorts that he is not highly educated. He has a Bachelor’s Degree in Arts. And therefore, he will not be in ‘demand’ in the ‘marriage market’. Thereby, feeling that we somehow deserved less in terms of a nice Indian girl.

Don’t get me wrong. My mother adores him. But in our community education has high weightage. Girls and boys are highly educated and expect their spouses to be so. My brother did not get the chance to study higher. And he was also a disinterested student. And he had a job. His income was needed to run the house etc etc.

Despite this impediment of lack of a higher education, by sheer hard work and determination, he rose through the hierarchy at the work place. And is placed well in life. But the lack of better degrees was always the albatross around his neck.

Anyway, so this alliance has come to being. But I am unsure whether my brother is really happy with it or if he agreed to it to appease everyone else. Something that’s also not so uncommon in India.

I am also slightly ruffled by the fact  that – and I am going to seem pretty shallow here – the girl has buck teeth.

I haven’t actually seen the girl yet, just her photo. And I am the last person to judge a person from their photo. So I am willing to concede that on meeting the girl in person, my mum and brother both decided that considering the rest of the background, her teeth didn’t seem like a huge issue.

Buck teeth in itself is not the issue here. People can fall in love with all sorts of people. But that’s ‘falling in love’. This is arranged marriage. If I could be sure that my brother has genuinely liked the girl and doesn’t see her teeth as a detriment to this union, then I would be happy for them. But I fear that he’s getting married for the sake of getting married. Which would be unfair to the girl too.

I discussed this with a friend of mine who suggested that it was now too late to bring this up with my brother. He is an adult capable of making his decisions. When he agreed to the alliance, he must have weighed the situation in his mind before taking the decision. So now I should just be happy for him and not plant any seeds of doubt in his mind by throwing my doubts at him.

All I want is my brother to be happy. Because that will go a long way to keep his marriage strong and his wife happy in it.

I don’t want his wife to suffer either only cos my brother settled.

Do you think I am off the tangent?