Can’t Live With or Without You

Have you ever been in that place?

I am there right now.

And I am sure you would agree that it’s not someplace anyone would want to be.

Can't Live with or wothout youThe confusion, the pain and the horrible guilt of putting that someone else too through the uncertainty is killing.

And you can’t seem to win the battle of reasons why you cannot be with them and why you want to.

 

How do you then decide? How do you find a perspective?

Especially if it was someone you had hitched with for life.

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Advice to the Groom

Dear Dave,

When your mother and I got married, we used the standard vows right out of the book. I did not even know what my promises would be until the priest read them to me at the rehearsal. Just in case you have not read ahead, they go like this:

“I, David, take you, Lisa, to be my wife. I promise to be true to you in good times and in bad, in sickness and in health. I will love you and honor you all the days of my life.”

No trick phrases. No hidden clauses. These vows are simple enough for Forrest Gump.

“I take you to be my wife,” is a very vague job description. Who will cook? Who will clean? Fix the car? Mow the lawn? Change the diapers? Different couples work it out different ways. It is not about who does what. The important thing is with whom you do it.

In the Song of Songs, the groom says, “There are sixty queens, eighty concubines, and maidens without number. One alone is my dove, my perfect one.” (Songs 6:8-9) There are beauty queens, video stars, and girls everywhere you look. This vow says, “Of all the girls, in all the world, you are the one for me. I take you”

“I promise to be true.” No cheating. No fooling around. Enough said.

“I will love you.” Do not confuse romance with love. Romance is an unreliable feeling that incites romantic notions such as, “I will climb the highest mountain for you. I will fight dragons for you. I will die for you.” Real life poses a different challenge:

You are sitting on the couch, watching TV, and go looking for a snack during a commercial. You find some apples in the refrigerator and pick out a good one. Then you call, “Lisa, do you want an apple?” “Sure, Dave. Thanks.” But there is no second apple that looks good. Heading to the couch, you ponder which apple to give her. Romance says, “I will die for you.” Real life asks, “Are you going to give her the good apple?” Love says, “Yes, give her the best.”

“I will honor you.” This was the surprise vow for me. I did not expect to make a promise to honor her. But I gave it a try, and it worked out well. I stopped teasing her and made it a habit to defend her and take her side when friends or family wanted to pick on her.

Honor is the most unappreciated vow. Some husbands make jokes about their wives, with little put-downs that are supposed to be funny. These are bad jokes. They cut, they wound, and they destroy trust. A marriage can die the death of a thousand tiny cuts. Avoid negative humor. It is not funny.

Honor is about respect. Treat her like a queen. Make your children respect their mother. Don’t let anyone put her down. She is your lady, and your lady always gets treated with respect.

God bless you, Dave.

Love,

Dad

by John Przybysz, President, Christian Family Movement-USA

What’s Love got to do with it…

Husband Wife humourThere was a group of women gathered at a seminar on how to live in a loving relationship with your husband.

 The women were asked, ‘How many of you love your husbands?’ All the women raised their hands.
 
Then they were asked, ‘When was the last time you told your husband you loved him?’ Some women answered today, some yesterday, some didn’t remember.
 
The women were then told to take their cell phones and send the following text: I love you, sweetheart.
 
Then the women were told to exchange phones and read the responding text messages.
 
Here are some of the replies:
 
1. Who is this??
 
2. Eh, mother of my children, are you sick?
 
3. I love you too.
 
4. What now? Did you crash the car again?
 
5. I don’t understand what you mean?
 
6. What did you do now? I won’t forgive you this time.
 
7. ?!?
 
8. Don’t beat about the bush, just tell me how much you need?
 
9. Am I dreaming?
 
10. If you don’t tell me who this message is actually for, someone will die.
 
11. I asked you not to drink anymore. I’ll leave if you are tired of me??

I have a question

Each time something related to my son reminds me of my husband or my son points out to his daddy in a photograph, I clam up not knowing how to deal with the scene.

I would like to request your thoughts on the subject. Here are some details:

Ever since I applied for a divorce, my husband has completely disappeared from our lives. Except the occasional meet in the court, we have never heard from him. He doesn’t call to check even on his son. I am waiting for the divorce to come through so we all can move on with our lives. But he refuses to sign the papers.

On the advice of the court counselor, for a month in September 2012, he made some efforts to show that he has changed and that he wants me and his son in his life. But a week before the court date in November 2012, he disappeared again and haven’t made any contact at all.

However, though barely 2 ½ years old, my son has memories of that month with him. He can identify his father from a photo in which he is visible only from waist down.

Although I know we are advised against divorces AND Jesus would rather that we sacrifice than separate from our spouses, I am unable to return to my husband for the emotional and physical emptiness in the marriage is too devastating. And the general atmosphere in that house is depressing. I absolutely refuse to raise my son in such a place where he would grow up as emotionally messed up as his father.

It’s not that I have someone else in my life or that I want to marry again. On the contrary. All I want is a good and peaceful life for my son. The divorce is just because I need closure. And I need money.

I have invested a huge sum of money in a house we bought together, which has put me in a financial spot. But the house is now lying vacant (I think) and he’s got his name on it. And he is not showing any signs of returning just my share of money that I have invested in it. I therefore, had to resort to legal action.

I digress.

So my question to you all is – I have no negativity towards my husband. But the wounds are still too fresh. I also have NEVER stopped him from seeing his son or being part of his life. I sometimes feel terrible for my son that he is missing out on his father. But the man himself doesn’t seem interested. However, I do not want to instill any negativity into my son’s mind about his father. So how do you suggest I talk to my son about him? I mostly never talk about the man at all thereby avoiding the uncomfortable task of ‘handling’ the matter. But how long?

I want my words and actions to be an example to my son. I want to break the chain of insecurity, jealousy, emotional apathy and complete disregard for others’ needs. I need wisdom to deal with my son so that he grows up to be a whole person.

I just am at a loss as to how. How do I safeguard my son from the evils of a divorce? How do I teach him by example the Christian way of living (when I have already broken one rule 😦  ).

As long as my son is too young to understand much, I am ok. But soon the questions will come. Then what? How I deal with everything will set the stage for how he perceives relationships, emotions and goodness. I would be grateful for any suggestions on this.

Response to Unfulfilled

Wanting, Longing

My first tryst with poetry invited quite some responses from my friends. One response in particular was very interesting…. and unexpected.

I wish to quote it here not just for its morale boosting value for me, but because I felt that there was a message for those others who are in my place as well – struggling, longing, wanting, hoping:

As poetry goes it is beautiful.

I like the dark intensity of the sadness

as a person who knows the poet..a little bit…mereko to bahut gussa aata hai…

uff..my mind is filled with so many things to tell you…just to make you see YOU from someone else’ eyes…just to tell you to be able to understand that..life is not about being the attachment to one person and tying your life, your happiness, your destiny and your yearning to him ..in such a fashion that your life seems destinyless, and mindless….aisa nahi hai

look at it from my eyes na…

you are a person..who has the balls to be able to look life in the face and say..screw you..i can live…i can be all i have to be..and i don’t need anyone to be there

you have had so many problems when you were growing up..right? from what little i hear from you…you had to face so many troubles..you did well..you studied..you got yourself into a position that you are today..where lesser people would have finished their existence and given up..you started..and then you took off…and you are where you are..i don’t think i could do half of what you have achieved.

then you did a mistake..theek hai..ho jati hai..you trusted and loved a person who was not worthy of you..you still persevered..when everyone told you to give up…you showed tremendous courage to go through what you have gone.

you have your son…you have raised him up to be a beautiful human being..he will be a perfect man…and all that is because of you..

so all this sadness because of the apparent lack of purpose and direction..bah i say..absolute bah…

aap meri nazar se dekho kabhi kabhi..you will see what i see….a stunning person with a spine made of steel…and she looks hot too (dekho flirt karna to mera farz hai )

so my dear anne…while i appreciate and enjoy the poem for its literary value…as far as it goes beyond that…i wish you to not believe yourself so much and fall into this depressing spiral…

you know you speak as if married couples have some magical life that you have somehow missed …sab ke yahan same hai boss..each one of us has a huge cross to bear..and sabke yahan chal rahi hai zindagi, … khatti hai, ..thodi faltu hai..and kabhi thodi si sweet hai..but sweet moments are rare..ok? and i say this with 25 years of married and more that 7 years of unmarried experience

so chin up my dear..don’t read your poem too much…

The poem i dabbled was my state of mind for that day. Such days happen and will surely recur in the future. I know. You know. But, hey, like my friend said – dont read your poem too much – I try not to wallow in such state for too long.

Yes, we all are entitled to some self-pity. But too much of anything is destructive. Life has a lot of compartments. If one falls off, trudge up and salvage the rest of the train back on its track and speed on into the future.

Look at yourself from an outsider’s view and maybe, just maybe, you will see that you are not so worthless after all. That maybe your life does count to something. And maybe it will confirm your belief that God does not make junk.

Stay Blessed