I have a question

Each time something related to my son reminds me of my husband or my son points out to his daddy in a photograph, I clam up not knowing how to deal with the scene.

I would like to request your thoughts on the subject. Here are some details:

Ever since I applied for a divorce, my husband has completely disappeared from our lives. Except the occasional meet in the court, we have never heard from him. He doesn’t call to check even on his son. I am waiting for the divorce to come through so we all can move on with our lives. But he refuses to sign the papers.

On the advice of the court counselor, for a month in September 2012, he made some efforts to show that he has changed and that he wants me and his son in his life. But a week before the court date in November 2012, he disappeared again and haven’t made any contact at all.

However, though barely 2 ½ years old, my son has memories of that month with him. He can identify his father from a photo in which he is visible only from waist down.

Although I know we are advised against divorces AND Jesus would rather that we sacrifice than separate from our spouses, I am unable to return to my husband for the emotional and physical emptiness in the marriage is too devastating. And the general atmosphere in that house is depressing. I absolutely refuse to raise my son in such a place where he would grow up as emotionally messed up as his father.

It’s not that I have someone else in my life or that I want to marry again. On the contrary. All I want is a good and peaceful life for my son. The divorce is just because I need closure. And I need money.

I have invested a huge sum of money in a house we bought together, which has put me in a financial spot. But the house is now lying vacant (I think) and he’s got his name on it. And he is not showing any signs of returning just my share of money that I have invested in it. I therefore, had to resort to legal action.

I digress.

So my question to you all is – I have no negativity towards my husband. But the wounds are still too fresh. I also have NEVER stopped him from seeing his son or being part of his life. I sometimes feel terrible for my son that he is missing out on his father. But the man himself doesn’t seem interested. However, I do not want to instill any negativity into my son’s mind about his father. So how do you suggest I talk to my son about him? I mostly never talk about the man at all thereby avoiding the uncomfortable task of ‘handling’ the matter. But how long?

I want my words and actions to be an example to my son. I want to break the chain of insecurity, jealousy, emotional apathy and complete disregard for others’ needs. I need wisdom to deal with my son so that he grows up to be a whole person.

I just am at a loss as to how. How do I safeguard my son from the evils of a divorce? How do I teach him by example the Christian way of living (when I have already broken one rule 😦  ).

As long as my son is too young to understand much, I am ok. But soon the questions will come. Then what? How I deal with everything will set the stage for how he perceives relationships, emotions and goodness. I would be grateful for any suggestions on this.

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8 responses

  1. Ahhh maybe why I felt so strongly to find you. I just clicked on this as the first story to read to get to know you and first you write so eloquently! Keep a journal (a handwritten one) I guarantee it will be like a little prayer tin…. When you look back years from now you WILL see how good God is! He is faithful and you just need to wrap yourself in HIS daddy kind of love that you need so badly right now. I love the advice that Catherine gave you… every divorce does it’s dance! Truly! Those are valuable words. As a Christian, I was devestated by my divorce. I was the one who left. I was the one who filed. I had been through break ups before but never a divorce. I had guys stalking me. But when my husband and I separated I left and told him that when I got back, he should be gone. It was heart breaking. He was a very successful alcoholic who in his thirties got into drugs… It was not that simple… I had gone through the pot stuff with him… I mean I can’t say I was perfect back in the day either but everything changed when I had children. Fast forward a decade later and I had to be firm about it. I offered to go to counseling etc… It was as if I had opened up a cage to a wild animal…he bailed big time!!! If you have never broken up or separated or divorced you don’t know how the person you loved will behave… My husband was pretty darn cold. I remember he came over and wouldn’t kill a spider for me… telling me “I don’t have to do that anymore”. I think that was my turning point… funny that such a silly symbol remains with me nearly twenty years later. But my husband ended up coming around, he paid child support mostly on time but it took him a long time before he started coming around for my daughter. My son moved in with him during his senior year and I allowed it and I am glad I did in a way and not in a way. It was like letting two kids move in together. He wasn’t the best influence… though I thought he had changed… the reason I am glad I allowed it is because he died about five years ago. His life had caught up with him. So sad. He will never know all of his grandchildren. He had just started coming around to my daughter’s plays and planning to help send her to college when he died so suddenly of lung cancer. He asked for my forgiveness on his dying bed. Crying in front of all who was there. My Marlboro man and the father of my kids… tough guy that he was poured out his heart… I never knew.. All those years. I have since remarried (soon after our divorce to a wonderful Christian man who raided my kids) but I never knew his true heart. This was the first post of yours that I read so I don’t know the details but I think I am supposed to tell you to just pray for your husband. Pray that God touches him in a mighty way before it is too late.
    Men are stubborn and proud and in pain like we are. It took a death bed for me to know that. I pray that your baby’s daddy can have a revelation sooner and in a much less final way. God bless you. There are support groups out there in your area. … They are all over. And don’t forget to keep that journal! I promise when you look back you WILL see answered prayers!
    More than you can count!
    XOXO
    Diane

    • I have tried keeping a journal a few times in the past 3 years ever since things begin to fall apart. But have never been able to stick to it.

      And am happy that you found another man who is so nice to you and is faithful to God. And also that your ex-husband came around and started providing for the kids.

      I have separated from my husband for the past 3 years and he has given money only when I ask for it. Even after filing for child support, he has not given any money. And this despite the fact that a huge chunk of MY money is ‘invested’ in ‘his’ house which we bought when we were newly married. I am still paying the loan for that house and he doesn’t even bother to give me money for supporting his child let alone repay the money i gave for the house.

      Please know that I am not out to rob him. All I am asking for is the money I GAVE him for the house. I need that money to take care of my son and myself.

      I hope that some resoluteion will come through tomorrow when we are to be present at the court again.

      If you read this, I would request your prayers for me Diane. And for him that God touch his heart and heal him and give him peace too.

  2. I dont think there are any rules here, your son will read truth in you. In spite of your uncertainty I can assure you that Christ has not withdrawn His pleasure from you – my suggestion; go forward with poise, joy, and the confidence that comes from knowing Christ. cheers Graeme

    • Thank you Graeme for those reassuring words. ‘I’ don’t want to go back to the husband. And I don’t have the courage to say to the Lord that His will be done for if His will for me is to go back to the husband, then…. But at one point, I unconditionally surrendered my situation to Him and said ‘Your will be done’.

      • I just wanted to add something… I didn’t go back to my husband. I didn’t want to go back… but I had horrible guilt over it for years. I actually don’t think God wanted that for me. I am not saying HE couldn’t have given us a miracle but regardless, we never did get back together… but the part I left out was we became good friends…. we moved 4 hours away and we always had a guest room for him. My exes mom would come and stay at our house and I would go to bed and my current husband would stay up with my first mother in law (never called her my ex) and discuss scripture verses!!! And my ex would come to our house and stay in the gues room on the holidays. (I do have a saint of a second husband I know!) But it can work! God did a miracle there and healed us for the sake of the kids… and I think in a way we always still loved each other just not in the married way… It took a few years but we found a soft place to settle. It’s going to be okay! I know I am praying for you now! I am sure you have a bunch of blogging prayer partners who will too!

      • Thanks for the kind words Diane.

        I am hoping too to find ‘that’ place with him. But the fact that he JUST DOESN’T communicate makes everything difficult. In the past when we ‘tried talking’ he got defensive or offensive. And if that didn’t work, he just disappeared. Complete silence. Even on this case I have filed, he has been nothing but silent. Its been over a year and half and he has still not filed his response to my petition!!!!!!!!!

        How will I ever move on in life?

  3. Suggestions: Almost every divorce goes through this dance. In the old days, if even a slave that was married to the master and was not provided those things, she could leave free without a divorce paper. So chill about that. Honor your Father and Mother. He still is his Father. Now think of him as your son’s father. If he misses him it is because he does. You might give him a normal picture and tell him it is for him. Let him place it where he wants near his area. If you weep you weep. Do not cry or talk too much about it near him. Keep telling your story until you feel better, exspouses do that sometmes, too. Just be kind, dad might have to help or become your friend someday. When kids become adults they figure things out. You are a conscientious Parent.

    • I am open to being friends with him. We are separating because of our issues but I hold no grudge against him. He just seems to be of the opinion that since I am taking our son away from him, he would rather that he stay away and do not create any bond. Shrug.

      I just don’t want my son to grow up with the insecurities and complexes that his father is mired in.

      Thanks Catherine for your faithful comments on every post that counts. You are a dear co-blogger. Warm Regards.

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