I like the anonymity that internet affords. Sometimes I don’t, but largely I do. A blog like this allows me to expose my real thoughts without the risks that are normally associated with revealing your true self to others. You can still be judged by your online community, shunned even and that can and will hurt. But does it hurt as much as being ostracized by the physical world around you?
So you take the risk and be the real you on your blog. Say it like it is. Accept your failings. Admit to your misgivings. Confess your fears. Not just cos you want to vent but perhaps in a hope that you may find kindred souls. A repose of sorts, an instant healing, if you will.
Don’t they say – releasing your thoughts is relaxing? And then if you receive a kind word or two in response, doesn’t it make you feel like somebody cared enough to read through your ramblings and even took the effort to respond. Well, that’s instant healing.
Notwithstanding the lack of change in your real situation, such gestures leave you with a kinder, more pliable mind-set to face the day.
There are days when I am feeling pretty content and grateful for my life. I make spontaneous prayers of gratitude to God for giving me a good life, good health, good family and all other good things that ‘I see’ cos I am feeling good.
And then there are those days when I feel disliked and unloved.
Nothing in life has changed. People who care about me have done nothing to make me feel bad. I can still depend on them to ‘rescue me’. Then what has gone wrong? What makes me feel disliked?
I noticed some triggers:
- Your post goes unnoticed;
- Your co-workers don’t include you in certain conversations or plans;
- Your spouse does the disappearing act;
- Someone takes out their anger on you and you take it personally;
- Your friends are too busy with their lives;
- You are just generally feeling low and don’t know what to assign it to;
- You are going through spiritual aridity
Today started as one of those days. I saw a bunch of colleagues in the employee canteen when I went down for breakfast. I went over to them to say hello. But they were already busy talking to each other to pay much attention to my hello. I just said an awkward hello and beat a hasty retreat.
I had a sinking feeling in my heart – more like a soul-wrenching feeling than just a disappointment. I felt disliked.
Suddenly all my shortcomings were playing away in my mind and I was wondering to myself if these people see me as my failures and therefore, dislike me and would rather ignore me than acknowledge my presence? Or, despite the fact that they are otherwise nice to me, whether they secretly held negative opinion about me and it showed at times like these?
In my present mind-set, even the lack of communication in the past couple of days from my dearest friends became a reason for me to think that they too don’t really care about me.
And the cherry on the topping! I felt insecure and fearful that one day when my son grows up, he too will find me detestable and hate me!
Wow, wow, wow… woman, get a grip! It was a completely ridiculous and illogical reaction.
But a reaction that’s oft repeated in various scenarios cited above and more. The message came in different forms – like when life’s turns snatched away my chance at becoming a doctor, when I lost the one person who I now realize loved me truly and deeply, when I didn’t make it to the girls team in college, when my husband avoided me like plague. But the effect was always the same – rejection. You are not good enough is what it made me feel.
Here I am, a rational and loving individual, feeling like a loser because a group of co-workers, who don’t even make much difference to my life, failed to reciprocate to my ‘hello’. And I accepted the feeling as a fact.
But the ‘feeling’ wasn’t the truth at all. Reality tells me differently. If I were to share this with my friend, she would have chided me for thinking so, reminding me of all the friends and people who love me and have stood by me through thick and thin.
I did try calling the friend to talk it out with her. But she was unavailable. Now I had a choice to either let the feeling take over and wallow in self-pity or take a constructive action to come out of this mental state in the light of reality.
So I did just the opposite thing of what had happened. I did what God would want me to do – Choose love and share it.
I sent out a text to the handful of my closest friends saying – Have I told you lately that I love you
I do that sometimes you know. Send that text or something similar. And I hadn’t done it in a long time. Today I felt that to counter the feeling of being unloved, I will tell the people I love that I love them.
And love enveloped me back.
And then, I began typing this post. 🙂