This is a post exclusively about romantic love. All other forms of love are not considered or compared to.
Is it possible that you’ve received so little love that even at 30+ you are still stuck at the starry-eyed love of a youth and haven’t had the opportunity to mature in love?
Let me explain.
Like with all things you learn in life, I suppose you need enough experience of love too to decipher its depths, to understand its realities.
In our early youth, our knowledge came from the books, movies and songs we heard. We hoped for that sort of relationship in real life too. And then there were heartbreaks when real life opened your eyes to a different reality. How could this be? Why is he so insensitive? Why cannot he understand me like Keith understood Rebecca in the Mills & Boon I read last week? Why do I not feel as loved as Silvia felt by Matthew in Only Love? Where is my soulmate that Richard Bach talks about? Didn’t he write – Our soulmate is the one who makes life come to life?
Well, that experience did not change too much inside us. Perhaps, we thought we got the wrong person this time. But you face similar disappointments through all the different relationships you have. And you wonder why haven’t you found the ONE who will make you feel ‘complete’!
I am beginning to learn the hard way that there is no such thing as someone else ‘completing’ you. Or is there?
And when I say I am beginning to ‘learn’, do I mean I am beginning to ‘accept’ that it is so, because I have never had my share of that love which makes you feel loved and wanted and care for?
I feel it’s the later. And that’s the theme of this post.
I am not sure if you are getting my point but I hope to make it by the time this post ends. 🙂
This morning in the train on my way to work I noticed a girl next to me was having a text chat on her cell phone. I took a sneak peek and found the obvious. She was texting her boyfriend. She was silently smiling to herself and at one point she even blushed. It was obvious she was enjoying the chat. I almost envied her.
I have never experienced that with my husband when we were dating.
And that led to the trail of thoughts that brought me to this post.
I still desperately wished that I had had experienced that stage in love where you can’t do anything but dream about the other, where he can’t get enough of talking to you, being with you. The stage where he is very eager to please you with surprises and roses and gifts and kisses. The whole ‘can’t get you out of my head’ kind of a thing which is ablaze equally at both ends.
I have come to believe this stage, though pretty immature / fragile / superficial, is very important in a relationship as it helps to set in a kind of a security and comfort between the two involed, which helps your relationship to move on to maturity. Once you are securely established at this stage, you are equipped to deal with the mature needs of a relationship.
As I sat thinking about my situation I wondered if my insecurities, my inability to just let him be, the need for my love to be reciprocated were all an offset of the fact that there was never the eagerness, comfort and warmth in our relationship which makes you feel all fuzzy inside, wanted and loved.
And therefore, I am still stuck at that stage and never got to move forward in love. I still want to feel that feeling. I still want my ‘soon-to-be-ex’ husband to give me that kind of love.
If you are thinking, that it’s a two-way street then please hold on. I tried being all that to him, but he snubbed me, he avoided me, he rejected me. And I didn’t know why or what else to do.
I am still not able to act maturely in love. All the things that ‘mature love’ entails:
It is not based on feelings alone, but on a decision to love
It is about having realistic expectations of the other, they are not there to keep you happy all the time
Mature love makes room for the other to grow and to have different interests from your own, knowing that keeping someone in bondage will not make the other love you more, however, having the strength to let the other have some freedom will inevitably help the relationship grow
- A decision to love who? Someone who’s not loving you back?
- But I do have expectations. I do want him to make me feel like I am needed in his life, that he does love me, that it’s not a marriage of convenience but is born out of love and mutual dependence. In order for me to move on to that great spiritual stage, I want to first have my fill of the ‘puppy love’.
- To set free, shouldn’t there be a bond in the first place!
Do you see my point yet?
I am yearning to feel alive in the relationship. I am yearning to feel involved. I am yearning to know that it’s a relationship of two equally ‘needy’ individuals and not feel like a pile-on. I am yearning to feel attractive and lusted after. I am yearning to feel needed.
And these are not the things I can cause for myself. I need a partner in this crime called L♥VE.
Growing and maturing in love takes time. It takes work. It is not a matter of knowledge but of experience. It is not achieved single-handedly but is a joint effort.
And if love was really not such an important part of life then why is the whole world pre-occupied with finding it? Why are people sad and depressed and lonely for lack of love in their lives? Why did God create man and woman? Why is the entire theme of Bible and Salvation LOVE? Why is an entire Chapter 1 Corinthians 13 dedicated to Love?
Keep love in your heart. A life without it is like a sunless garden when the flowers are dead. The consciousness of loving and being loved bring a warmth and richness to life that nothing else can bring.