Each day I log into my WordPress account and read many posts that show up in the Reader and even comment regularly. I feel happy when i read of the miracles some of you had in your life, i feel moved by the tragedies some others have gone through, I laugh at your funny posts and I cry at your happy endings.
And as i rove through just being the fly on the wall, I admire the resilience, the strength, the empathy and the intelligence that is displayed in the posts of this community of WordPressers.
And I feel like writing too… I want to share.
I haven’t not because of lack of ideas or topics to write about. Infact, in the inactivity of the days gone by, I have wanted to post about:
- An unfinished love story
- The spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak
- A Letter to my Son
- The beheading of the 17 party-goers by Taliban
- The Syrian Massacre
- My one recurrent dream
- Murder on the Ladies Special
But it was sheer lack of will to put thoughts into words that caused this long silence. Does it happen to you too? You want to, but you just can’t.
There are many things in my life to be thankful for – my beautiful baby boy, my job, my wonderful family and friends, my enabling education and above all else, the knowledge of Christ.
Then why? Why am I despairing so? And why can I see no end to this?
I have been hearing that this is just a passing phase. How long does a phase last? Why hasn’t my ‘phase’ ended in like forever?
I am not bitter or angry. But nor is there peace and inner calm.
If happiness was a state of mind, if it was inside you rather than being external, if it was not what money could buy or relationships could give, then why, oh why, is it so elusive? Why is it still related to what others do or not do to you? Why cannot you distance yourself from a situation that is distressing or detach yourself from people who are toxic to your peaceful existence and live in happiness? Why does there have to be a closure first for you to move on?
You despair. You pray. Your prayers seem to go unanswered. There’s nothing you can really do. So you despair. And surrender to some more prayers. Why does God seem silent?
Has He not cried out Himself saying, “My God why have You abandoned me?”?
……… I am unable to finish this post. I have blanked out. So I am going to ‘abandon’ it right here…!!!