I want to, but…

Each day I log into my WordPress account and read many posts that show up in the Reader and even comment regularly. I feel happy when i read of the miracles some of you had in your life, i feel moved by the tragedies some others have gone through, I laugh at your funny posts and I cry at your happy endings.

And as i rove through just being the fly on the wall, I admire the resilience, the strength, the empathy and the intelligence that is displayed in the posts of this community of WordPressers.

And I feel like writing too… I want to share.

I haven’t not because of lack of ideas or topics to write about. Infact, in the inactivity of the days gone by, I have wanted to post about:

  • An unfinished love story
  • The spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak
  • A Letter to my Son
  • The beheading of the 17 party-goers by Taliban
  • The Syrian Massacre
  • My one recurrent dream
  • Murder on the Ladies Special

But it was sheer lack of will to put thoughts into words that caused this long silence. Does it happen to you too? You want to, but you just can’t.

lost the will

There are many things in my life to be thankful for – my beautiful baby boy, my job, my wonderful family and friends, my enabling education and above all else, the knowledge of Christ.

Then why? Why am I despairing so? And why can I see no end to this?

I have been hearing that this is just a passing phase. How long does a phase last? Why hasn’t my ‘phase’ ended in like forever?

I am not bitter or angry. But nor is there peace and inner calm.

If happiness was a state of mind, if it was inside you rather than being external, if it was not what money could buy or relationships could give, then why, oh why, is it so elusive? Why is it still related to what others do or not do to you? Why cannot you distance yourself from a situation that is distressing or detach yourself from people who are toxic to your peaceful existence and live in happiness? Why does there have to be a closure first for you to move on?

You despair. You pray. Your prayers seem to go unanswered. There’s nothing you can really do. So you despair. And surrender to some more prayers. Why does God seem silent?

Has He not cried out Himself saying, “My God why have You abandoned me?”?

……… I am unable to finish this post. I have blanked out. So I am going to ‘abandon’ it right here…!!!

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4 responses

  1. Thanks Leah. On hindsight, i think i wrote this post ‘just to write that something’…
    Thanks for listening to me ramble and even addressing with a comment.
    I did not mention the empathy of this community just like that 🙂

  2. Beautiful post, and you’re definitely digging deep… I think you’re closer than you think to figuring out what’s going on. Don’t worry about what’s ahead, focus on right now. The power of being in the moment may help you.

    Keep writing!

    • You really think so? The fact that I just went blank and didn’t know where I wanted to go with the post doesnt give me that confidence that knowledge can bring. But thank you ever so much for your kind words.

  3. Sometimes you just can’t find the right words to express what you want to say. It happens to the best of us, but personally I think that this post in itself is the light at the end of the tunnel, so to speak. You found the words to write this, granted you wrote about not knowing how to write, which sounds a little insane, but it makes sense. If you ever don’t know what to write, just write something! Never stop writing if it is what you love to do! 🙂

    Leah.

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