Can trust be re-earned?

For trust not him that hath once broken faith – William Shakespeare

And we still do, in a hope that MAY BE this time the ‘promiser’ will come through. You want him to. But he doesn’t and you are hurt at first, then upset and later distrustful. Until he does a little something that wins you over and you lose the argument with yourself that he is not for you.

It’s a vicious circle.

But, there comes a time when the relationship is eroded by this oft occurring breach of trust. Over time, confidences are broken, intimacy disintegrates and the foundation of trust is shaken. And then one day the last straw strikes.

You are done being taken for a fool. You are done riding on the clouds of hope that somehow, someday soon the skies will clear and sunshine will filter through the dreary grey of your lifeless relationship. And you try to pick up the broken pieces and glue them together to bring some semblance of meaning to the naïveté you have been displaying this far.

I was just about settling down into the familiarity of solitude when he came back after a year’s hiatus claiming he can’t go his separate way. That he wants to make it work. That he has changed and can now see only a good future for us. I don’t believe him. He’s said those words 70 times in 7 years.

hell is full of good meanings, but heaven is full of good works

How can I? How do I go with what a person who is too loose with his words says? When he has never actually ‘acted’ on his words. When the empirical and statistical trail of evidence shows that he is full of hot air and most everything he says is for effect. How then do I go with what he ‘sees’ is a good future for us?

For the past few days he was trying to show that he’s changed. I knew it’s not a possibility. But just so that he thinks he has been given another chance, I let him do what he wished to. I didn’t need to be proved right. But he did. He proved my suspicions right by once again disappearing from the scene of ‘efforts’ that he was trying to play.

He has failed to keep his word so many times that not only have I lost count of the number but there is no likelihood of ever trusting in him again. There was no intimacy ever, no emotional security, no passion and no desire for hard work that goes into building a relationship. It still makes me wonder what part of our marriage does he wish to salvage? Why the insistence on flogging a dead horse?

His return has managed to disturb my peaceful existence. Was that what he was aiming for? No amount of explaining to him that we are happier apart has helped. I do not wish to go on the offensive and launch into a diatribe because I still hope that we can stay on good terms with each other for the sake of our son. But I just seem to fail to convince him of the benefits of our separation.

And all this, while he’s still living his life on his terms without any regard to my feelings or to the needs of our baby. How then can I believe him when he says he loves me and wants me back?

I have been sweet talked into going back to him several times. But I do not wish to fall for it again. And yet I am not without my misgivings.

We are all to some extent the prisoners of our upbringing. Can someone who has been a certain way for so long really break the shackles of this bondage and change?

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6 responses

  1. Anne,

    Not sure if you got my latest email or not. But to answer your above question. You are beginning to approach the line of possible and plausible. Can a person change? Yes. Will a person change? If the life they are leading “on their on terms” is a comfortable one, and the person you describe seems pretty selfish and self-indulgent to me, then change isn’t something that is necessary for their comfort. I am sure he wants you back very bad. But he isn’t willing to give up whatever it is he gets from living on his terms to get you back. This is now fault of yours or the child you share with this man. It is a flaw in his character. Hold fast to your beliefs, values and convictions. AS you said, he would eventually prove you right about his actions and ways. I wish I had time to say more but I am pressed currently. I am praying for you! Talk to you soon!

    Jake

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