Fearing the unknown…

Tomorrow is an important day.

And yet, i am not sure what it holds for me. And i am apprehensive of this uncertainty.

Why, i am apprehensive of life itself.

Life that seems to be going nowhere. Lifeless and passionless. Complicated. Confusing. Unclear. Aimless.

Actually, there are goals if i wish to set them. But i am too weary to want to do that. Feels like everything you ever envisioned, all your dreams and desires, have just crumbled all around you and you are unable to even pick up the pieces.

Am i giving up on life?

No, i cannot be. Because for 30 years, life has been a struggle of one kind or other. I haven’t been a quitter. But now i am exhausted.

And tomorrow seems like a heavy burden, mired in a cesspool of broken dreams and ugly experiences.

But i have Jesus. Then why am i not at peace?

Ah, simply because Jesus doesn’t have me. And what is keeping me from reaching out to Him? My own inadequacies? My inequities? My passionlessness?

While i search for a victory, which, if i did get, would be a pyrrhic victory.

What would you do if you were in my place? I am sure many of you may have been in places worse than this. What did you do? How did you resolve the dilemma?

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11 responses

  1. You are in my prayers. I would have never had the strength to go through this last week with prayers. I was experiencing the utter hopelessness and just utter lack of desire to even exist anymore. When I finally remembered something and someone from a much better time, It changed when I was to beat and tired to even fight or resist anymore, that is when I said my prayers from my soul, and that is when I was lifted up. I hope this comes for you soon. While I have probably not been through your exact situation, I have experienced much of the pain, heartache and disappointment that life has to offer, and I know that when you are in the middle of the storm, nothing anyone says can offer condolences or hope, only time and faith can heal and mend. I just hope you find peace soon, or at least hope. God be with you.

    • Thank you Jake for your words. One can never know what words will uplift a soul. And your’s just did.

      I was despairing yesterday. I am still not out of the woods, but today I can smile. Adversity brings God closer! I am still not back to being with God all the time, but i found the courage to make a prayer and ask Jesus to not give up on me.

      Thank you for praying for me.

      • I am very happy to hear that your are better today. May it be filled with blessings and bounty! Today is my day for the scared and unknown. While the steps I am about to take start a journey into a much more positive life, it is still unfamiliar and out of my comfort zone which really does make me nervous and filled with self doubt. I hope each day gets better for you! You are truly blessed to have such a supportive and understanding family. As far as being with God all the time. I don’t think any of us are truly with God all the time. Just some more than others. But what we can count on is that he will always be there waiting for us to come back with loving, open arms full of forgiveness. We just have to ask.

      • I am very positive that your step into this unknown is going to get familiar to you very soon and then THIS ‘positive life’ will then become your new confort zone. Hang in there Jake 🙂

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